What a lot of people don’t know is that I feel as if I have a life overshadowed by trauma and it can be an incredibly isolating and debilitating experience. For some individuals, the weight of traumatic events can leave them feeling trapped within their own minds, disconnected from the world around them, and filled with a constant sense of fear and vulnerability. The scars of my past experiences have created an overwhelming sense of unease and apprehension, making it difficult to trust others and to fully embrace the present moment. In the depths of this inner turmoil, I feel as if my entire existence has been defined by the trauma I have endured.
Trauma can arise from various life events, such as physical or emotional abuse, loss of a loved one, accidents, natural disasters, or witnessing acts of violence. The impact of these events can be profound, shaping the way it perceives myself, others, and the world. My mind becomes a refuge, a place to hide from the pain and chaos that seems to permeate every aspect of life. Yet, what I don’t realize is that being in my head actually causes me the same amount of pain. The trauma survivor in me seeks solace within my own thoughts because I have hope that I will find it. Attempting to shield myself from the overwhelming emotions and triggers that threaten to engulf me.
This self-imposed isolation, while initially a coping mechanism, can ultimately hinder my healing process. I stay home because outside not only holds drama, but my car broke down about a month ago, so my adventures have been slim. Being who I really am involves anywhere outside with a view that has you stop for a couple mins to ask yourself, “is this really life?” Connecting with the energy of nature only draws my energy to higher vibration. When withdrawing from the world, I tend to inadvertently reinforce the belief that I am defined by my trauma, perpetuating a cycle of fear and avoidance. It becomes a numbing existence, as the very act of hiding within my mind perpetuates the feelings of being trapped and unable to break free.
The fear of being seen and vulnerable can be paralyzing. A lot of the moments in my life that were supposed to be the most liberating experiences, turned out to be the most traumatizing and scary moments. I used to live in New York where I would take such amazing photos for models, get to go to these parties where you meet the celebrities and have fun, take adventures with my friends to try something new or relive a moment because it made us feel the most alive. The things that people never saw were the handful of panic attacks, times I cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was losing myself in the parties, and the CVS I was standing in when I got the video of me being beaten and raped because I was drugged one night. I truly don’t need a pity party or anyone to feel sorry nor bad because I overcame it. Proud to say that after being the twelfth person this individual has done to me, I put him behind bars. Twelve though. Twelve women total but that is eleven before me.
The survivor may worry that if others truly knew the depths of their pain and trauma, they would be judged, rejected, or further victimized. This fear stems from a profound sense of shame and a distorted self-perception, where they internalize the blame for the events that transpired. They may question their own worthiness, feeling as though they are inherently flawed or damaged. All of which I felt and at times still feel from not only one event, but a dozen stacked up.
As time goes on, the walls constructed within my mind become a fortress, protecting against further harm but also preventing the possibility of authentic connection and growth. The survivor yearns for a sense of normalcy, a life unburdened by constant distress and haunted memories. However, the fear of venturing beyond the safety of my thoughts and confronting the world outside can be paralyzing. I am a sensual, classy, and intelligent woman but does not mean I have also made the most foolish choices in my life. We must in order to learn and grow. Just know that I am no one I used to be even one year ago.
Breaking free from the cycle of trauma and hiding requires immense courage and support. It necessitates a willingness to confront the pain head-on, to challenge the distorted beliefs and negative self-perceptions that have been ingrained over time. Healing begins with acknowledging the trauma and its impact, and seeking professional help from therapists for those who feel like that is best, counselors, or finding something that makes you feel alive again in a positive way.
